Our favourite teacher and school-related jokes & puns
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID
- What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin ∏.
- "I have a split personality" said Tom, being frank.
- What subject does a witch teach at school? Spelling.
- Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
- Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.
- If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor in the world, then Who is.
- What is the centre of gravity? The letter 'v'.
- Too much ∏ gives you a large circumference.
- What did the mermaid wear to her maths class? An algae bra.
- Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
- Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in the Universe. What do you get when you remove it? Gravy.
- What do you call a hen that can count her own eggs? A mathemachicken.
- What is the chemical formula for water? H I J K L M N O.
- What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
- I’m thinking of selling my theremin. I haven’t touched it in years.
- Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
- Why can't Cinderella play football? Because she always runs away from the ball.
- I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
- What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
- A photon enters airport security and is asked if he has any luggage. He replies "No, I'm travelling light".
- What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name.
- I tried walking up a hill without a watch, but had neither the time nor the inclination.
- A logician's wife gives birth. The doctor hands the newborn to the father. The wife says "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says "Yes".
- How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
- Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel Test.
- Why was the maths book sad? Because it had so many problems.
- Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet.
- C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, no minors."
- A linguistics professor states during a lecture that "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." A voice from the back of the room pipes up "Yeah, right."
- "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun"
- A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies "Easy! I'll let you know when I want more."
- Can February march? No but April may.
- I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help ... but I stand corrected.
- What do you call a belt with a clock on it? A waist of time.
- What did the buffalo say to his son on dropping him off at school? Bison.
- A patient asks a doctor "What kind of work do you do?" The doctor replies "Oh, I work with kidneys." The patient responds "Nephrology or pediatric orthopedics?"
- What do you call a magical dog? A Labracadabrador.
- What do you call a bee that comes from America? A USB.
- Using a broken pencil is pointless.
- A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if he'd like food with that. The black hole says 'No thanks, I'm a light eater'.
- I was thinking of cracking a Sodium joke but Na.
- An oxymoron walked into a bar and the silence was deafening.
- Last night I dreamt I was weightless, I was like 0mg.
- What do you call a bear with no ears? B.
- Two quotation marks approached a "bar".
- You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
- What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- Never date an apostrophe. They’re too possessive.
- The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
- What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
- What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium and you can’t curium then you’d better barium.
- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
- How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.
- 'I’m cold sir'. Well come and sit in the corner, it’s 90 degrees!
- Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
- Heisenberg is driving his car and is pulled over by the police. "Do you know how fast you were driving sir?" "No idea - but I know exactly where I am".
- Charles Dickens walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The barman asks 'oliver or twist'?
- Two sodium ions are walking down the street:
- I've lost an electron
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm positive
- What did zero say to eight? Nice belt
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar and doesn’t.
- This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
- There are only 10 types of people in the world; those who understand binary and those who don’t.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
- What do you call a magical bra? An abracadabra.
- A man knocks on the door of the Kremlin. 'Is Lenin?'
- A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
- What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
- The globe means the world to a social studies teacher.
- A mathematician scared of negative numbers will stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Teacher: 'Name two pronouns' Student: 'Who?' 'Me?'
- I want to share my best chemistry joke but I'm scared I won't get a reaction.
- There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of you will get this.
- There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete information
- How do you comfort a grammar teacher? 'There, their, they’re'
- My science teacher was absent today. He left a note that said, “Gone Fission”.
- Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says 'Please leave, we don't serve your type'.
- When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
- What do you get when a chicken lays eggs on a hill? Egg rolls.
- Why don't mathematicians sunbathe? Because they can use sin and cos to get a tan.
- A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
- If you leave alphabet soup on the stove, it could spell disaster.
- What do bones do to keep their breath fresh? Eat ligamints.
- I went to the zoo yesterday. There was only one dog in it. It was a shihtzu.
- 'Can I ask you a question?' 'You just have'.
- What do you call a bee that produces milk? A boobee.
- Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
- A synonym strolls into a tavern.
- Alcohol and calculus don't mix because you can't drink and derive.
- Did you know 'gullible' isn't in the English dictionary?
- Where should you leave your dog when you go shopping? In the barking lot.
- Apostroflies are becoming more common; small insects that randomly land near a letter 's'.
- I always give 100% at school. 20% on Mondays, 15% on Tuesdays, 30% on Wednesdays, 25% on Thursdays and 10% on Fridays!
- Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach? It was over 90 degrees.
- A run-on sentence walks into a bar and it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
- Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.
- What do you get if you integrate 1/cabin dcabin?
And if you remember the constant - log cabin plus c - you'll get a houseboat.
- What did the circle say to the cylinder? You’re so two-faced.
- You can throw an envelope as far as you want, but it will still be stationery.
- Why did Henry VIII put skittles on his lawn? Cos he had to take Ann Boleyn.
- A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
- Went to the Fibonacci conference last week; it was as good as the last two put together.
- XX female
- I like Geography. You know where you are with Geography.
- Why do Geographers find mountains so funny? Because they’re hill areas.
- I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
- At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar.
- What’s so good about being Swiss? Well the flag’s a big plus.
- What do you get if you cross literature with alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird.
- Anyone in the class who doesn’t know what introspection means needs to take a long hard look at themselves.
- I went on holiday last week. I got an odd-job man in, gave him a list of ten jobs to do while I was away. When I got back, he’d only done jobs 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
- Man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate. Barman says 'That’ll be ATP'.
- My friend just bought a bucket of Tipp-Ex. Huge mistake!
- I'm reading a book on anti-gravity at the moment. I just can’t put it down.
- A dyslexic walks into a bra.
- Who's the king of the classroom? The ruler.
- What do you call an adorable angle? Acute angle.
- Last night I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings. Then I realised I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
- Why does Sweden have barcodes on all its ships? So they can scan-di-navy-in.
- Which snake measures 3.14159 metres in length? A pi-thon.
- A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
- What’s your favourite element? Helium - I can’t speak highly enough of it.
- What pencil did Shakespeare write with? 2B.
- Why did the French chef never use two eggs? Because one egg is un œuf.
- There was a kidnapping at school last week. It’s ok though, he was woken up.
- An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
- Why are decomposers popular at parties? They are fun-guys.
- I've been working on a Scandinavian joke. But it's not quite Finnish...
- Pascal, Newton and Einstein were playing hide and seek. Einstein was counting. Pascal ran and hid but Newton just drew a 1m square around himself. Einstein finished counting said 'Newton, found you!' 'No, you’ve found Pascal'.
- Last night my classroom was broken into and all of the dictionaries were stolen. I'm lost for words.
- Why can’t you run in a campsite but only ran? Because it's past tents.
- I once had a girlfriend called Simile; I don't know what I metaphor.
- I can’t think of any of my chemistry jokes, they Argon.
- The subjunctive would have walked into a bar. Had it only know.
- How many joules in a kilojoule?
How many meters in a kilometre?
How many volts in a kilovolt?
How many whales in a killer whale?
At least half the class: 1000!
- Geology rocks.
- A bar was walked into by a passive voice.